Couples Counseling
by Paper Doll Decay
Summary: When House and Wilson's relationship reaches a new low, Cuddy signs them up for couples counseling. In an attempt to salvage their friendship, they agree to pretend to be a couple. Can their relationship be saved?
1. Greggie and Jimmy

A/N: This story takes place after Dying Changes Everything or in other words the season 5 pilot. I realize this isn't what happened, but wouldn't it be cool if it did?

House was sitting in his office, one hand on his bitching flame-adorned cane, and his legs propped up on his desk. He was thinking about what Wilson had said. _We're not friends anymore, House. I'm not sure we ever were. _How could he have said that? Wilson obviously knew House cared about him, why else would he stoop so low as apologizing? It just wasn't the Gregory House way. Why didn't Wilson realize that?

There were other things, too. _Amber was never the reason I was leaving. I didn't want to tell you because, because… I was trying like I always do to protect you. Which is the problem. You spread misery because you can't feel anything else. You manipulate people because you can't handle any kind of real relationship. And I've enabled it! For years, the games, the binges, the middle of the night phone calls…"_

He drummed his fingers anxiously on his cane, staring at nothing in particular. On some level he realized that Wilson was right, and that was what pained him the most. He was cruel, and controlling, to everyone. He had been _so_ horrible that he had driven away his best and only friend. All the while House had mistaken it for an admirable stoicism. But it had gone too far. Never had he thought this would happen. Wilson was the once constant in his life, the one person he could depend on to always be there. He had never actually realized how important his friend was to him until he was gone. Until it was too late.

The pain in his leg had worsened. It always did in times of extreme emotional turmoil, the worst periods of misery. He had forgotten how many Vicodin pills he had taken, but he shoved another couple in his mouth and chewed greedily. House wasn't sure if it was to get rid of the pain in his leg, or in his heart. Maybe a little of both.

As he was doing this, Cuddy walked into the room with visible anger. "What did you say to Wilson?"

House averted his gaze to the ground. "I told him I needed him to stay, that I was sorry Amber died. That I felt like it was my fault. He might as well have told me to go to hell."

"Well I'm not letting this go on for any longer. It's time I take serious measures. You guys were _best friends_, for God's sakes!"

House returned his gaze to his boss's eyes. "I'm not sure we ever were. That's what he said."

"House they will be plenty of time to make that's what he said jokes later! Wait… Wilson said that? That's horrible! Which is why I have signed you both up for couples counseling. The thing is… they don't do counseling for friends so…"

"So you want me and Wilson to pretend we're a gay couple in order to get counseling for our tattered friendship." There was almost tangible sarcasm in his voice.

Cuddy smiled and nodded enthusiastically.

"Sure, I could be up for that." This time there was no sarcasm, just a strange sincerity that astounded Lisa Cuddy into uncharacteristic quiet.

* * *

Wilson was waiting outside the counselor's office waiting for House. He scolded himself, wondering why he ever thought his old friend would actually show up. The man would never do anything that might even slightly damage his reputation. But _this,_ this was absolute degradation. There was no lower rung on the ladder of social blunders. But if it would actually work, if it would actually _help _House, then he would do anything. The man was miserable 24/7, and if he could fix that, it would mean more than being a doctor ever had to him.

That was how he ended up here. Now it had became apparent that House wasn't coming. He was probably laughing it up somewhere all by himself at how he had made Wilson suffer. It was the kind of egocentric bastard he was…

House walked- or limped, rather- into through the door with a wide smile. "Hey honey! How was your day?"

Wilson was quick to come to the conclusion that this was far more embarrassing than his ex-best friend standing him up. He felt the eyes of the receptionist and the handful of other people in the waiting room fixate on them. "Just great, babe. I got to look forward to seeing your self-absorbed jackass self all day. That definitely lightened the mood."

House took a seat next to Wilson and whispered into his ear. "Wow good job! With that bit of acting everyone should be sure we're a troubled couple! By the way our back-story is we've been dating seven years and living together for six. Sound good?"

"Fine, whatever. I still meant what I said about you being a jackass." Wilson looked at the faces of a middle-aged husband and wife that were sitting across from them. He could only imagine what the couple thought they were whispering about.

The counselor stepped out of her office and said "Greg and James?" When House smiled and got up with some difficulty she continued. "So nice to meet you, I'm Dr. Milton. Why don't you come in?"

"Why don't you just shoot me?" Wilson said under his breath in House's direction.

"Because I love you too much," House said with his hand clutched against his chest in mock ardor.

They sat down at on a comfortable leather couch as Dr. Milton took a seat in front of them. "How long have you two been together then?"

House replied after a small pause. "Seven years."

Wilson rolled his eyes in his usual I-have-better-things-to-be-doing way. "Living together for six."

"Wow that's a long time," Dr. Milton said, trying to accentuate the positive. "And why have you come to me today?"

"I'm busy on Fridays, so I figured Thursdays were the next best thing," House answered.

"This is why. He's sarcastic, miserable, never takes anything seriously! All he does is crack jokes instead of talking about anything real!"

"How do you feel about what he said, Greg? Is it true?"

"Jimmy's probably right. But hey, what can I say? That's who I am."

Of course. House wouldn't take it seriously. Why did he even bother? What possible benefit could it be for "Greg" to show up? Or did he just want to poke holes in wounds that were already existing? The "Jimmy" was enough to make him want to punch his supposed friend.

The counselor jotted down some notes on a clipboard. "How do you feel about Jimmy, Greg? Are you happy with your relationship?"

"Those are two different questions. Not related at all. See I love Jimmy, but he's upset and wants to leave because "All I do is spread misery." So to your second question, no I'm not really happy with the relationship."

Wilson hadn't been expecting this. Behind all that sarcasm and false homosexuality was there actually a bit of sincerity there? Was this maybe the genuine House? Nah…

"Jimmy, do you think he spreads misery?"

"Yes I do believe that was a direct quote. 'Greggie' has been miserable for years and takes everyone down with him."

More notes. "Well, what are some good things about Greg?"

"He's a good doctor. A brilliant one." Silence. "He makes me laugh, I guess. Deep, deep, deep, deep down somewhere he's actually a pretty good guy. If only anyone got to see that."

It was just like that and it was out in the open. Wilson had never meant to say anything like that. House would never let him live down the "good guy" thing. _I should have never come here. This was a stupid idea._

"And how about you Greg?" Dr. Milton asked. "What are some good things about Jimmy?"  
Wilson put a hand through his hair in frustration. "Please call me James."

"Oh mostly his kind loving soul," House said with an expression of sarcasm only the truly guarded can muster up. "But he is pretty cute too…"

Wilson looked back and forth, focusing his gaze anywhere but on 'Greg'. Had he actually believed that he was seeing the real House? And where did he get the idea that this might actually help? All this time he had been hoping that his friend would come around, but instead he was caught in the same old problems, never solving anything. Everything was just like old times.

A/N: I hope you liked it! It was lots of fun to write, but right now I feel a bit like giving up on writing, so if you want me to continue this you're going to have to tell me. I'm well aware that parts of it are stupid, but I find this rather funny. If you don't I'm sorry. Thanks for reading!


	2. New Patient

Mike Brown was sitting in math class trying to concentrate on the work, but it all looked Greek to him. He was dizzy, and focusing was next to impossible.

"Mike, do you want to come up to the chalkboard and write the answer to question 3?" Ms. Feldman asked. He put his head down, signifying he wanted nothing to do with math, but she ignored him. "Come up and write."

Tripping and almost falling on thin air, Mike staggered towards the board. Someone whistled and laughed in seemingly good nature. "Way to go, Mike!" But he barely heard or noticed. Walking was taking up all of his brain power right now. The classroom seemed to be getting bigger, darker. He couldn't see where he was walking and everything was fuzzy. He fell to the ground.

"Mike, you're not going to be able to get out of this by pretending to be sick, so you can stop pretending anytime," Ms. Feldman said. Her voice was warped and low like in a slow motion movie. Mike looked up and tried to ask for help, but instead he found Ms. Feldman laughing hysterically brandishing a butcher knife. "Ask for help I dare you. You know what happens to children who don't know the answers, don't you?" She started pantomiming stabbing motions and laughing even harder. Then in one excruciatingly slow motion, she raised the knife and lowered it in his thigh.

"AGH!!!" Mike cried out in pain. He started writhing on the floor, twitching convulsing.

Ms. Feldman yelled, "Oh my God, he's having a seizure. Jen, go get the school nurse immediately."

"It's your fault! Didn't you know he has seizures? Why did you think he was faking?" Someone said. Presumably the same person who had whistled when he tripped, the voice was the same.

Mike continued to seize on the floor.

* * *

"Thirteen year old male, suffering from seizures since the age of 4 and now having hallucinations. What do you think?" Thirteen asked sitting in House's office flipping through the file.

"What about Sturge-Weber Syndrome?" Kutner asked.

Thirteen eyes scanned the file with seeming disinterest. "He was diagnosed with it shortly after the seizures began, but I'm not so sure. It usually starts earlier and there was no facial staining, and it doesn't explain…"

"I still can't believe you and Wilson are going to couples counseling. Why exactly is that?" Dr. Taub asked.

Dr. Foreman was supervising and sitting at the table with House's employees. "Wait, you guys are going to couples counseling?" He let out a small laugh and a wide smile. "That's definitely interesting."

"People, can't you hear?" House asked. "We're talking about medicine! What could cause seizures and hallucinations? Think people!"

"Drugs, it's the most obvious cause," Thirteen suggested.

Foreman still hadn't gotten over the couples counseling thing. "So what kind of things do you talk about at couples counseling? And do you and Wilson have an interesting love life?"

"Wrong! The kid's been having seizures since he was four! Unless the parents have been slipping him cocaine since he was a toddler, that's off the table. And our love live is far more interesting than yours, Foreman." House said, hobbling over to the whiteboard and writing _hallucinations _and _seizures_ on the board.

Taub had another question in mind. "So are you two seriously a couple then?"

"Are you and your wife seriously a couple if you're cheating on her?"

"I'll take that as a yes, then," Kutner said.

Thirteen threw the folder down on the table. "Can we please focus on the medicine?"

"If whatever he has, has been there since he was four, it can't be an infection or environmental." Kutner said. "How about genetic or neurological?"

"Why can't it just be the epilepsy? What's wrong with that diagnosis?" Taub asked.

House sat down and propped his head up on his cane. "Because that doesn't explain the hallucinations."

"Well then epilepsy and drugs. He may have been having seizures when he was four, but the hallucinations just started now. It explains everything," Thirteen said.

"Not everyone is on drugs," Kutner said with a glare in Thirteen's direction.

House smiled. "Feeling catty today are we Kutner?"

"Could be neurological. We should scan his brain," Foreman said.

"Foreman, go get an MRI of his brain. Thirteen test for drugs. Taub and Kutner, think of anything else it could be."

Kutner replied, "It could be any number of mental conditions combined with Sturge-Weber Syndrome or any other kind of epilepsy. Depression, schizophrenia, dementia, anything. Why are we taking this case anyway? Usually there's some sick reason for why you pick cases."

"I said think about it, not talk about it!" House said. "Now I'm going to talk to the love of my life!" And with that he walked out of his office.

**A/N: Okay so not a lot of House/Wilson in this part, I know. I'm sorry, unless you aren't. I really wanted to incorporate the medical aspect of the show. Everyone loves a good puzzle! Also I am not a doctor so I am sorry if any of my medical facts are inaccurate (I'm sure it's not all right.) I did a lot of research, but I mean you can only learn so much without going to med school. Also if any of my references to things that happened in the actual show are wrong, it will because I watch too much House and don't remember what happened in what episode. Thanks for reading, and I think I'll do the next chapter soon!**


	3. A Shocking Twist

"So you're saying I don't have Sturge-Weber Syndrome?" Mike asked.

He was laying on the hospital bed, his mother Julie holding his hand and his twin brother Brandon on the other side of the bed, Thirteen at the foot of the bed. "I'm saying we aren't sure yet. First we have to do some testing. Right now we're testing you for drugs. Just to make sure"

"Mike you had drugs and you didn't tell me? You should be ashamed of yourself," Brandon said.

"Brandon, behave. And Doctor, I'm sure he's not on drugs. Not _Mike_. He's the good kid, you know."

"Hey!"

Julie Brown ignored her son, as if his opinion didn't matter.

"Well I'm sure he's not," Thirteen said, her expression less than convinced. "It's just hospital routine. This is going to hurt a little." She grabbed the needle and pushed it into Mike's arm breaking the skin and drawing blood. Secretly she thought both of the smarmy little bastards were on drugs. She remembered what it was like to be thirteen. Hell, she still was in more way than one. Since Thirteen tested positive for Huntington's, she had turned to drugs to feel better. She picked up random girls at bars just looking for a good time. It rendered her barely able to work, and she knew she was self-destructing but couldn't stop it. And what did it matter? She didn't have that much time left anyway. Might as well spend it having fun.

"Okay, this will just be another second," Thirteen said.

"Mom, why did you let go? You know I don't like needles." Mike said timidly.

His mother's eyes widened in surprise. "Baby, I didn't let go. I'm still holding your hand."

"I can't feel your hand… I can't feel my hands!" Mike moved his arms around in a panic, then held his hands together still unable to move them.

"What's wrong with him? What's wrong with my baby?" Julie asked the doctor.

Thirteen looked at him carefully, as if studying his face could reveal what was wrong with him. Her face was pale, and the skin below her eyes was purple and swollen. "No. That means there's something wrong with your nervous system."

* * *

House limped into Wilson's office and made himself right at home, as per usual. Wilson could say they weren't friends anymore, but it couldn't be true. Otherwise why would he agree to the outrageous plan of attending couples counseling? He would only do that if he were serious about his relationship with House.

"Why are you here?"

"I came to see you, babe!" House said.

"I don't know why I even bother. You never take anything seriously do you? The world is all just one big sarcastic joke to you! Why are we doing this House? Can somebody please just tell me what the point is? Because I'm not seeing one right now," Wilson said.

House took a seat. "Actually that's not why I'm here, I came to talk to you about a patient."

"Well you should go see someone else because I don't want to talk about your patient right now. Just tell me why I'm actually trying to salvage this sick messed up friendship."  
"I really think that we should talk about my patient."

Wilson was now visibly furious. "No we shouldn't! I…"  
"Thirteen year old male…"

"No, no thirteen year old male! Please just once for me can we have a serious conversation? Why did you agree to do the counseling thing?" Wilson said, and this voice got quieter, gentler. "I need to know."

"Wilson, I think he's my son."

**A/N: Okay another successful (I hope, at least!) chapter done! Three chapters so far and I still haven't quit! I really hope you enjoyed this chapter and will continue to read more. Cliffhanger I know, but when I started this I had no idea it was coming! As for any potential pairing in this story, I'm sure there will be some romance at some point, but I'm still not sure who would be with whom. It will be interesting though, I promise! Please keep reading!**


	4. The Challenge!

**Okay so here's the deal. I had no intention of quitting _Couples Counseling_, but then I had some issues. Namely, I forgot what was wrong with Mike! I had the all the information on my old laptop, but it is permanently dead. :(**

**So anyway, here's what I was hoping to do. If anyone thinks they might know what might be wrong with Mike, please pm me. I'm convinced if I heard it again, I would remember and be able to continue the story. And if someone actually comes up with the correct condition, I will write them a personalized story, based on their specifications (pairings, characters, even plot lines, as long as I am familiar with the show.) Also you will receive the title of House-like genius. I will bow down to your awesomeness! Obviously, I'll also be able to finally finish _Couples Counseling_! It's a win-win situation! Yay!**

**So let the challenge begin! :)**


End file.
